“Be the Cancer”

Today I had an appointment with the therapist here at HHI. Everyone here has 2 complimentary appointments with the therapist, and today i had my second session. We started off taking about nonsense, then got into how i was feeling since ive been here. I was very honest with him and i explained that my first 2 weeks were not easy. The time went on talking about my time here and finally he stopped me and said “im going to switch gears for a minute, close your eyes and pretend you are the cancer” he said “tell me about yourself” I closed my eyes and sat there for a minute, I didnt really know what to say. I had never really pictured myself as the cancer, nor did i have any idea what the cancer would say.  I started off by saying “well i kinda suck” he responded “why” I said “because im trying to attack Carley” he asked “do you think youll win?” I said “Well i’ve tried before and i didnt, so why would I win this time” he continued asking me questions until i came to the point where (still speaking as the cancer) i said “I dont want to hurt Carley” he responded with “but you are” I didnt know what to say for a minute since i knew i was completely contradicting myself. I suddenly realized that in my mind i believe the cancer inside of me isnt trying to kill me. I know its there, i can feel it and the scans show it, but is it trying to kill me? No, i dont think so. Its trying to teach me. I used to think my body just wasnt cooperating with me and inhibiting me from doing the things i want to do. Im realizing now that yes the cancer in preventing me from leading a “normal” teenage life. But its not trying to kill me. I have learned so much through these past 2 years dealing with cancer. But do i wish i was at school? Yes! Do i wish i could still be training every day? Absolutely! But i wouldn’t trade what i have learned in these past two years for anything. Im not saying I wanted to have cancer, or i like having cancer. But it has shown me so much and taught me so much i refuse to believe the cancer inside of me is a killer. Its more like a very difficult teacher that doesn’t think i’m ready to graduate, but when it does, I will be the best version of myself possible.