I figure if i swear a scarf i can go out and it will be like nothing is wrong, but i was definitely being a little too optimistic. My mom said to me “why dont we take it slow, maybe just go out and get a coffee, then come home?” Ive never really been the kind of person to take baby steps. i responded with “lets go to Yorkdale!” my mom bit her tongue and took me, my sister Riley and her best friend Natalie to Yorkdale.
I think i lasted about 20 minutes before i wanted to lay down. Once we went to my favourite store (Victoria Secret) i was ready to leave. I looked around at my mom, Riley and Natalie and said “anywhere else you guys want to go?” but as expected they turned the question around to me. I was exhausted but i didn’t want them to know. I wanted to prove myself and show them that i was able to function perfectly normal. I responded saying “well theres not really anywhere else i NEED to go.” and with that we were on our way out. My mom asked me countless times if i was okay, and i just responded with a quit yes. We both new i wasn’t ok, she could see me sweating through my wool headband, and coughing up a storm. Yet i wasn’t going to admit it, and even though we both knew i was lying, we knew it was one step closer to being able to say “im okay” and really mean it.
It was a lot harder then i thought it was going to be. It really put things in perspective for me. Walking around the mall should be a no brainer for the average person. But i’m not the average person, the average person doesn’t have a trach hidden under their scarf, and a 5cm tumour in their neck. I needed to accept that things are gradually going to get better, and just because i was out of the hospital doesn’t mean i’m 100%. Im going to have to learn to take things slowly, take baby steps
I know your mom, dad and your grandfather Sam so I know that it will be difficult for you to take baby steps – it’s genetic 🙂 but it also gives you the strength and determination. We are in awe of your many talents and our thoughts and good wishes are with you and your family.
lots of hugs
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