I figure if i swear a scarf i can go out and it will be like nothing is wrong, but i was definitely being a little too optimistic. My mom said to me “why dont we take it slow, maybe just go out and get a coffee, then come home?” Ive never really been the kind of person to take baby steps. i responded with “lets go to Yorkdale!” my mom bit her tongue and took me, my sister Riley and her best friend Natalie to Yorkdale.
I think i lasted about 20 minutes before i wanted to lay down. Once we went to my favourite store (Victoria Secret) i was ready to leave. I looked around at my mom, Riley and Natalie and said “anywhere else you guys want to go?” but as expected they turned the question around to me. I was exhausted but i didn’t want them to know. I wanted to prove myself and show them that i was able to function perfectly normal. I responded saying “well theres not really anywhere else i NEED to go.” and with that we were on our way out. My mom asked me countless times if i was okay, and i just responded with a quit yes. We both new i wasn’t ok, she could see me sweating through my wool headband, and coughing up a storm. Yet i wasn’t going to admit it, and even though we both knew i was lying, we knew it was one step closer to being able to say “im okay” and really mean it.
It was a lot harder then i thought it was going to be. It really put things in perspective for me. Walking around the mall should be a no brainer for the average person. But i’m not the average person, the average person doesn’t have a trach hidden under their scarf, and a 5cm tumour in their neck. I needed to accept that things are gradually going to get better, and just because i was out of the hospital doesn’t mean i’m 100%. Im going to have to learn to take things slowly, take baby steps